ho ho no

Christmas is a magical time.  There are lots of treats to enjoy and good times to be had.  Like everything else, there are those people that end up ruining it for the rest of us by practicing the worst and dumbest Christmas traditions ever.

There are five Christmas traditions that need to go back to the depths of Hell from which they came.

 

1. Mistletoe

In theory, mistletoe seems like a romantic holiday tradition.  You've been chasing that guy all year and you accidentally bump into him underneath the mistletoe at your friend's holiday party, your eyes lock and the rest is history.  Real life, however, is not so serendipitous.  Chances are, if you end up meeting somebody under the mistletoe, it's going to be the last person in the world you want to mack on.  The only people who play by mistletoe rules are drunk coworkers and weird uncles.

2. Black Friday

Perhaps the worst holiday tradition.  People wake up at 5am to stand in line for two hours in order to buy something that you never needed in the first place at a price that is still ridiculous despite the "markdown".  Most of the low prices that are available on Black Friday last long after Black Friday is over.  Here's a little tip for you: a sale that convinces you to buy something that you wouldn't have purchased otherwise is not actually a good deal.

3. Fruitcake

Who invented this dark, heavy brick of dried berries?  Someone actually sat down one say and said, "I have some dark rum, molasses, currants, and all these dried cranberries.  I think I'll make a cake."  Eating fruitcake is the equivalent of eating an oatmeal raisin cookie when you think it's a chocolate chip cookie.  Cake is supposed to be sweet, and delicious, and invoke childlike joy when consumed.  Fruitcake just invokes anger and dry heaving.

4. Christmas Photo Card

The thing about Christmas cards is you get to throw them away when the season is over.  When somebody gives you a Christmas card with photo of their family on the front, throwing it away doesn't seem...kosher.  The worst kinds of Christmas photo cards are the ones with a couple and all of their pets.  "Merry Christmas from John, Sally, and Rover!"  No.  Your dog is not wishing anyone a Merry Christmas.  Your dog does not know what Christmas is.  Your dog does not understand why you dressed him in a red vest and pointed a silver rectangle at him.

5. Rope Lights

Ugly, ugly, ugly.  I don't know what genius came up with rope lights as a Christmas decoration, but I definitely hope they've since been fired.  You can't hang them from anything like normal Christmas lights, if one of the bulbs goes out you have no way of replacing it, and they come in colors like blue and yellow (what the hell is that?!).  The only use I can think of for rope lights is to use them to tie up the guy who invented them, and then beat him to a pulp.

winter blues

Winter is terrible.  Unfortunately for us Canadians, winter takes up almost half of our year.  It’s essentially November to March.  Sometimes we get snow in October and then again in April. It’s. The. Worst.  In case you forgot why winter is so awful, I’m here to remind you.

Shoveling.  Then shoveling again.

Yea, I know it’s exercise, but it’s exercise that I don’t want.  Not that I want any kind of exercise… I’m lazy.  Snow is so heavy.  And cold.  You get all bundled up to go shoveling, then you get too warm because it’s actual work so then you gotta unpeel your layers.  Then your shovel hits a chunk of ice and the handle jabs you right in the gut.  Then the plow comes down your road and you get to do it all over it.  It’s so happy.

People Forget How to Drive

It’s not enough to get snow tires on your car; you actually have to use common sense when driving in the winter.  My dad always used to say, “I don’t know why it’s called ‘common sense’ because it’s not very common.”  B’ys still speed across the parkway when it’s snow laden, end up fishtailing and/or getting in an accident, then get pissed off because “the roads aren’t plowed well enough.”  You wanna yell at someone?  Go find Mother Nature.  I’d bet she’d bitchslap ya.

It’s Dark

In the winter you go to work in the dark and you come home in the dark.  It’s depressing.  I don’t like fish; I rely on the sun to give me my Vitamin D. 

It’s Cold

Who likes being cold?!  No one, it sucks!

Salt Stains

Every year, without fail, when I buy a new pair of [cute] winter boots, within the first week they’re covered in salt stains.  Then I gotta use a toothbrush dipped in vinegar and water to clean the salt stains.  Then my boots smell like fish and chips for the rest of the season.

Having to Dress in Multiple Layers

Getting bundled up to go out in winter is a lot of work.  Coats, sweaters, mittens, hats, scarves, etc.  By the time you get where you’re going, you’re sweatin’ up a storm and your hair is matted to your head.  It’s really a stylish look.  I just love it.

Dry, Itchy Skin

Every year at the start of the season I’m convinced I have fleas.  My skin gets so itchy, it’s almost unbearable.  I’ve often contemplated picking up a flea collar at PetSmart.  I might get some weird looks…

No More Dresses

I love my dresses; I wear dresses all the time, but they’re not super winter friendly.  I could pair them with leggings, but leggings aren’t known to be very warm.  So in the winter I’m stuck to my jeans and tees.  The poor people around me are deprived of my bright, quirky style in the winter, it’s really a shame.

Having to Leave Your Warm Bed/Shower

THIS IS THE WORST.  I can’t count how many times I’ve been late for work this week because I didn’t want to leave the warm air pockets of my bed (I hope my boss isn’t reading this).  Waking up for work is already on my list of least favourite things, having to do it in the winter just bumps it up to the top of that list.

Sickness

Aside from snow a

nd Christmas carols, winter also brings with it many colds and flus.  Who doesn’t love all that snottin’ and sneezin’ and listening to other people suck back phlegm?  It’s my favourite part of the holidays.

all i want for christmas...

The holidays are S-T-R-E-S-S-F-U-L.  (That spells stressful).  Shopping malls are getting more and more crowded, prices are climbing higher and higher, and it seems like after all that, we end up not having the time to spend with our loved ones which is the whole point of Christmas in the first place.  If the only thing on your letter to Santa is a stress-free Christmas, here are some tips on cutting down stress in case Santa Claus doesn't deliver.

Secret Santa

Trying to figure out what to get for someone is extremely taxing.  Between wading through crowds, trying to bargain shop, and attempting to pick out something that isn't going to be re-gifted, it sometimes seems easier to just skip Christmas.  Whether it's between your large (or small) group of friends, your family, or your coworkers, you can cut down on a huge chunk of the stress associated with gift giving by simply picking a name from a hat and only committing to shop for one person.  Nowadays if somebody wants something, they just go ahead and buy it for themselves.  They don't want a bunch of junk coming at them from all angles just because gift giving has become a necessary part of Christmas.  After the New Year, spring cleaning is just around the corner - it'll be much easier with less junk lying around.

Shop Online

The idea of making purchases online freaks a lot of people out, but as an avid online shopper I've gotta tell ya that it's a far less stressful alternative to mall shopping.  Just look up reviews on the website before you purchase anything and check out shipping costs before you submit your order.  Most online stores have a live chat function where you can ask questions to a customer service representative and they can lay all your worries to rest.  You can also find a lot of good deals online, so in addition to saving you from pulling your hair out, it'll save you some dollars too!

Ask for Help/Delegate

Stressed to the gills?  Don't be afraid to ask for help or pass off a task or two to somebody else.  Anybody can run to the post office; bribe your teenager into delivering mailing the Christmas cards by offering to let them borrow the car for a few hours.  Or gather your friends around to have a beer and wrap gifts for your family.  Attempting to do everything yourself is a recipe for cardiac arrest.

Have a Potluck

Christmas dinner is a huge project.  It owns you for the entire day.  Instead, invite family over on the condition that they each bring one dish!  It's the holiday season; it's the time for sharing!  So, share the stress!  Not only will it help to decrease the pressure of taking on an entire dinner by yourself, it'll help cut out a lot of the cost too!

Know When to Stop

Set a day for you to stop with your holiday prep and just relax and enjoy the time with your family.  There is so much to do and Christmas day is going to come whether you're ready for it or not (and chances are, you won't be).  Just, try not to worry about it.  Remember, Christmas is your holiday too.

rah! rah! rah!

I attended my first Ice Caps game last night.  Before that, I hadn't been to a hockey game since we had the St. John's Maple Leafs.  What the hell, right?

All in all, the game was fun; it was a bit of a nail biter and damn do I love me some Buddy the Puffin.

Of course, my experience did not come without an interesting variety of fans.

I encountered: 

1. The hacking, coughing, wheezing guy

If you have a cold, stay home, I'm sure your tickets won't go to waste.  Or at the very least, bring some water and a cough drop.  I do not appreciate having to comb your snot and spit out of my hair.

2. The "SHOOT IT! SHOOT IT! SHOOT IT!" guy

I'm quite confident that the players on the ice know the object of the game.  I also highly doubt that they can hear what you're saying to them.

3. The concession stand hero

This donkey gets up at least four or five times in the run of just one period.  He squeezes past everyone in the row so that he can go get some popcorn.  Then a hot dog.  Then some nachos.  Then a beer.  Then some cotton candy?  Why not.

4. The overly enthusiastic kids

I love child sport fans; I think they're super cute, and I'm all for enthusiasm.  I have no problem with you trying to get the crowd to chant with you.  However, when it's the fourth time you've starting chanting "GO CAPS, GO!" and still, nobody has joined in, give it a rest. 

5. The women who stands in the aisle to talk to her coworker

Missus, I'm trying to get to my seat and you're standing on the steps chatting about how long it took you the mop the floors today?  You're thirty seconds away from getting drop kicked.

6. The oblivious girlfriend who won't stop asking questions

I don't know a whole lot about hockey, so I do ask a few questions. You know, "why did he just blow the whistle?", "what determines when someone gets a penalty shot?", stuff like that.  What annoys me is: "why did he do that?", "what just happened?", "what are they doing now?"  Well missus, I got a question for you: WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE?

7. The drunk 

Pretty self explanatory.  Too many beers.  Gets a little rowdy.  Starts shouting at people about cats.  And peanut butter.  Whatever.

8. The shit disturber 

This angel wears the other team's jersey, cheers for the other team, and boos when the home team scores a goal.  Kid's gonna get his ass kicked one of these days.

9. The fashionista

T-shirts and jeans aren't good enough for this diva.  She comes to the game in her little black dress and her sealskin boots.  I don't know why this bothers me so much.  It just does.

10. The whistler 

There cannot be a more annoying sound in the universe.  Especially the fingers-in-mouth whistle.  It's worse than nails on a chalkboard.  Just clap like a normal person.