Friday 23 January 2015

pathetic in print

Since this article pissed me off so much (pardon my French), I figured I’d write my 500 words on why I find it so mind-numbingly ridiculous.  (I just hope I can keep it to 500 words).

For anybody who doesn’t know – which I am quite confident is most everyone – the Northeast Avalon Times is “a regional community newspaper covering seven towns in one of the fastest growing regions in the province.”

Up until this point, I think it’s pretty fair to say that this newspaper flew under the radar of most Newfoundlanders. 

Earlier this week, Robin McGrath wrote an article for the Northeast Avalon Times entitled “Pathetic in pink”.  The point of the article, if I’m not mistaken, was that parents shouldn’t pigeonhole their daughters simply because of their gender, and should take a beat from the Barbie dolls and fairy wings and pink tu-tus.  While I understand her point, I think she could use a few pills of the “chill” variety.

In her article, McGrath writes, “I actually dislike little girls with princess wands and blonde hair, I react to them the same way I do when I turn over a log or a stone and find creepy albino bugs wriggling around underneath.”  She goes on to say, “I find little pink girls grating and irritating.  I want to puncture their balloons, rip their fairy wings off and squash their sense of superiority.  I have an instant aversion to them.”

In my opinion, McGrath could’ve chosen a much better approach to getting her message across – her statements seem to be attacking blonde-haired, blue-eyed toddlers in pink dresses rather than the parents who put their toddlers in the pink dresses.

In a CBC news article, the editor of the Northeast Avalon Times, Kathryn Welbourn, defends McGrath’s article stating that she “thinks people misunderstood the point of the column.”  During an interview, Welbourn described McGrath as “an acerbic writer” who “uses a lot of hyperbole.”  I don’t know about you, but that certainly seems like a copout to me.  There’s no hyperbole in “squash their sense of superiority.”

Naturally, the article ignited a lot of backlash from social media with some people even lobbying to get the paper shut down.


Welbourn said she’s shocked about how angry people got about the article and that this ordeal brings up the age-old question of free speech.

I think that’s the biggest problem I have with this whole situation.  Freedom of speech seems to be a term that is constantly thrown around by angsty teenagers, Internet trolls, and irritable journalists.  Freedom of speech is one’s right to express any opinions without censorship or restraint.  It is not one’s right to express any opinions without censorship or restraint and then be subsequently shielded from any unfavourable reactions to one’s uncensored opinions.

Missus, you got to publish your article about how you “have a problem with blonde-haired, blue-eyed, little white girls.” You got your free speech.  You got the opportunity to publicly express your displeasure toward young girls who like to dress up as fairy princesses and play with dolls.  Now, give everyone else the same opportunity to express their displeasure toward your article and your harsh statements and we’ll call it a day.

Monday 19 January 2015

humiliation nation

“Mortified Nation is a documentary about adults who share their most embarrassing, private childhood writing…in front of total strangers.”

First of all, if you have not seen this film yet, I highly recommend it.

Secondly, I’ve decided to put on my big girl pants and participate in the mortified crusade.

For anybody who isn’t familiar with BlueKaffee, it’s a website on which to post online journals, mostly for Newfoundlanders.  In the early 00’s, it was the (virtual) place to be.  All of us skullies and scene kids spent roughly 95 per cent of our free time on this site.

I’m going to share a couple of my journal entries from that site – please be kind.

Language Warning!

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“sleep pretty darling, do not cry”

(Public)
submitted:  May 20, 2007  12:23:20 PM
Music:  ben folds five

some people are just really pathetic .
it’s hilarious .

nick lost my bank card yesterday
we went to mcdonald’s and he laid my bank card on the drive-thru window
and it fell through the slot of the charity box
and nobody at mcdonald’s had the key to open it

deeeealz

hopefully getting baked with nick and shaun tonight
then chillin’ like a villain in the park, I spose
with joeyfitznickshauntimjoseph
come if you’d like !

rawwwwwr

work was deadluh
travis is rly silly
and nick’s a good dancer
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 There was an unwritten rule that you must include lyrics in every journal entry.  Also, if you added a space between the last word of a sentence and the punctuation mark, you were cool as balls.

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“it’s coming down to nothing more than apathy”
(Private)
submitted:  Dec 30, 2006  12:18:46  AM
Music:  the fray

show was good .

poor jordan .
getting your balls stepped on is never fun .

<3greenneedsalot

it was too cold to play on the donkey .
sad times indeed .

hanging out with joe tomorrow .
should be fun x a kajillion and twenty-six .

i’m not really in the mood to do anything big for new years .
i might just have people in to make a gingerbread house .
who’s in ?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Every scene kid’s anthem was some song by The Fray.

For clarification:
“Green Needs” was the Needs store in Paradise that had a green neon sign instead of orange (all Needs at that time were orange) and “the donkey” was one of those things in the playground that’s on a giant spring and kids sit on it and bounce.  We used to play on it when we went to local music shows at the Paradise Rec Centre.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“and the blue prints were drawn up from a dream of mine”
(Public)
submitted:  Nov 25, 2006  04:54:46 PM
Music:  martin sexton

xxx-mas shopping tonight
with cage1 <3

I have a lot of people to get presents for
so if you assume i’m getting you one
then comment with what you want .
it’ll make it so much easier for me .

and if you post, and i don’t end up getting you something
…then I don’t like you .

peace .
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 It was considered very uncool to use proper sentence case when writing journal entries. 


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“i can’t believe i’m listening to ashlee simpson, someone kill me .”
(Private)
submitted:  Feb 03, 2005  02:51:59 PM
Music:  autobiography

today i had math


easy as lemons .
tomorrow kiki and amy get to watch me climb in amy’s bathroom window .
anyone wanna help me and amy think of a name for our band ?
haha we’re cool yes .
word up .

*sigh* okay well something’s gone wrong .
and i can’t fix it .
although i wish I could .
it’s made me pretty sad .
i don’t know what happened .
but i guess it’s for the best .
not really .
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Ah, yes.  The quintessential “my life sucks, give me attention” post.  There are quite a few of those.

*Le sigh* 

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“what you think is love, it’s truly not”
(Public)
submitted:  Apr 29, 2006  08:39:22 PM
Music:  eve

fuck everything .

i haven’t been satisfied with the way my friendships are for a long time .
friendships…hah
if you can call them that .

i think i’ve set a record .
i’ve been ditched six times in two weeks .
call the fucking guinness book .

i really shouldn’t be doing this .
my ‘friends’ are going to think i want a pity party .
which is really the last thing i need right now .
but you know how well they know me !

at least the few hours i spent with sara actually took my mind off the bullshit .
and i actually had fun .
i love you, sara

if anyone else is feeling disgustingly emo they’re welcome to come join me .
we can slit our wrists together .
best kind .
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Life as a 15 year old is so hard.


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“when we mourn the death of you that night”
(Public)
submitted:  Jun 13, 2006  08:57:40 PM
Music:  saves the day

i fucking hate bad moods .

almost everything’s going wrong today .
but what else can i expect .
i mean it is my life .

if one person calls me emo i’ll cut your throat .

i guess there’s always the weekend to look forward to
hope that doesn’t get fucked up too .
then i might just have to kill myself .

i really need someone to talk to
but not someone who’s going to argue with me
i guess i just need someone to listen .

but… why would anyone want to do that for me .
idontknow
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Brutal, brutal, brutal.


----------------------------------------------------------------------------
“it just keeps getting worse .”
(Public)
submitted:  Jul 15, 2005  11:21:01 PM
Music:  fall out boy

he’s not improving .
he seems to dislike me even more .
it’s ruining me .
what to dooooooo .
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
 I don’t even know who he is.  But clearly this was a very tragic period in my life.



Well, that was a very unfortunate trip down memory lane.

I have no more words.




Friday 16 January 2015

kickin' the bucket

Having a bucket list is a popular concept.  However, I am not a lofty goal maker so I obviously don’t have one.  So, because I’m a march-to-my-own-drummer kinda girl (more like a flail-to-my-own-tin-whistle kinda girl) I’ve created an anti-bucket list.  If I can get through my entire life while avoiding the following things, I will die happy.

Online Dating
Not to knock the people who do it, because I don’t necessarily have a problem with it.  I just hope I never get to the place where I have to do it.
 
Watch an Episode of Gossip Girl
I do enough things that kill brain cells; I don’t need to add to that.

Drive a Mini Cooper
Just the dumbest car.

Wear a Pair of Jeggings
Just the dumbest article of clothing.

See Nicki Minaj Live
Just the dumbest person on earth.

Wear Flip Flops in Public
Feet are not my thing.  I don’t mind people wear flip flops to the beach and stuff – I do it too.  I just can’t stand people wearing them anywhere else.  The noise of them combined with my having to look at a stranger’s feet…. get out.

Fast for 24 Hours
Anyone who knows me understands that food is my life.  It seriously is.  I love food.

Swimming with Sharks
NOPE

Drinking Homogenized Milk
Why would anyone even do this ever?

Get Plastic Surgery
As much as I want to look like Zooey Deschanel…..

Get Any Kind of Surgery
Have you seen the movie “Awake”?! No, thank you!

Wear a Matching Outfit
Why is this even a thing?

Hitchhike
Last thing I need is to be picked up by a Ted Bundy.

Witness an Apocalypse
Sure, movies make it look like it would be cool, but movies also make it look like Billy Bob Thornton can bag a hot wife and we all know that’s not true.

Watch Big Momma’s House 2
I wish I could add the first one to this list too, but I’m afraid I’ve already wasted 2 hours of my life on that movie.

Shoot Tequila
If you hand me a tequila shot, it’s getting poured down your pants.

Do Stand-Up Comedy
Sure I’m funny, but I’m not that funny. 

Open a Restaurant
I’ve seen Kitchen Nightmares.  I ain’t no fool.

Visit a Nude Beach
Wrinkly balls, wrinkly balls everywhere.

Go to Prison
Maybe if I had Crazy Eyes to be my prison wife, it wouldn’t be so bad.

Drink the Leftover Milk When my Cereal is Gone
Just thinking about it is making me dry heave.

Eat Salad without Dressing
Why would I do this.  Grow up.

Eat a Gas Station Hot Dog
I don’t even like non gas station hot dogs.

Go On a Blind Date
It’s not even so much because I’m afraid I’ll be set up with a weirdo.  It’s because I’m afraid the other person is going to be pissed off that they were set up with a weirdo.
 
Read the Twilight Series
Ugh, get away from me.

Pay to See a Mel Gibson Movie
You, sir, are a tool.

Own a Selfie Stick
If there’s an invention out there that’s dumber than this, I don’t even want to know what it is.

Eat a Raw Mushroom
Just can’t do it, brah.

Own a Rodent
No guinea pigs, no hamsters, no mice.  They’re all just ugly.

Lose a Limb
How am I supposed to eat a Big Mac with one hand?

Get a Brazilian Wax
I’m not one to punish myself.

Wear Crocs
Because, no.

Wear a Unitard
I feel like this one doesn’t need to be explained.

Go Vegan
Sarah needs meat.

Be a Bartender
I can’t handle drunk people when I’m sober.  Actually, I can’t handle sober people when I’m sober either.

Milk a Cow
Please, no.

Get outta here.

Eat Octopus
In Korea, people eat live octopus.  Sometimes I can’t eat yogurt because it’s too slimy for me.  Get real.


Become a Smoker
It is the most unattractive habit.

Shop at Pier 1
I have better things to waste my money on.

Thursday 15 January 2015

this sh*t is bananas

As human beings, complaining is part of our nature.  No matter how much I’d like to believe it, the world isn’t all candy and rainbows and puppies.  Consequently, a portion of every day for most people involves feeling irritable, cranky, and/or pissed off.  Most of us normal people tend to make a conscious effort to stay away from things we know will trigger these feelings.  However, if you’re somebody who enjoys high blood pressure, anxiety, and insomnia brought on by anger, here are a few ways to help you get there. 

Go grocery shopping the day before a holiday
For some odd reason, people go ape shit when the grocery store is going to be closed for a day.  I guess the countless boxes of cereal, pasta, rice, chicken, hamburgers, crackers, and cookies that are already in your house just won’t cut it for the next 24 hours.  The most logical option is to get your ass to the grocery store so that you can stand in a lineup for 35 minutes waiting to pay for your frozen pizzas which will, no doubt, get tucked away in your deepfreeze until the next time there’s a holiday, only to be ignored while you rush out yet again to buy food you just can’t go another 24 hours without.



Respond to a cryptic Facebook status
For people who are certifiably insane, there’s nothing more enticing then a status update that reads something along the lines of, “don’t understand how this could happen to me… worst day of my life.”  How could you not ask what’s wrong?!  What a perfect way to start the day!





Go to Tim Hortons on a weekday morning
It’s not a secret that Tim Hortons is going to be “on wheels”, as they say, on a Monday morning as people are trying to get their caffeine fix before they spend the next eight hours in front of a computer.  Naturally, these people will most likely be ill-tempered and cranky, and the staff will probably be ready to punch somebody in the face.  If this sounds like the morning for you, come on down!
 

Wash your hands with your sweater on
Interested in being uncomfortable and irritated for an hour or so?  Just don’t roll your sleeves up the next time you wash your hands.  This will give you a nice little ring of dampness around the base of your sleeve that will eventually get really cold and brush up against your wrist every so often and will just feel so wrong.

Befriend a vegan
These days it seems like becoming vegan is the trendy thing to do.  You’re only cool if you post your lunch on Instagram and use up all your characters on hashtags like: #healthyliving #veganlife #eatclean #meatismurder #onethousandcaloriesaday #veganism #ilovevegetables #donteatmeat #veganveganvegan.  You want to learn about all the stuff you shouldn’t be eating?  Befriend a vegan.  You want to hear about the proper way to cook vegetables?  Befriend a vegan.  You want to hear about why you’re the wrong kind of human because you consume milk and eggs?  Befriend a vegan.  You want to be driven to the point of homicide?  Befriend a vegan.

Watch Big Bang Theory
Self-explanatory.  It’s just the worst show.



Wednesday 7 January 2015

school daze

While everyone is settling back into school for the winter semester, I thought I’d take this opportunity to discuss the different types of teachers we all encounter at least once during our academic lives.

The Teacher Who Just Wants To Be Your Friend
Look out!  It’s your buddy in teacher’s clothing!  This teacher will make terrible jokes that they think are on your level and will let demerits slide in order to keep his students on his side.  “Oh, you came to class drunk?  No problem, everybody makes mistakes!”

The Authoritarian
If you’re the type of student known for causing trouble, prepare for a shit storm to come your way.  Students of these teachers tend to focus more on staying out of trouble than actual learning.  They also like to spend most of their class time making up nicknames for this teacher.  If your last name rhymes with a swear word, you might not want to become this type of teacher.  (I’m looking at you, Mr. Mickhead).

The Teacher Who Gives Zero F*cks
He’s late to class, he loses assignments, and he teaches his English class the Pythagorean theorem…twice.  Due to the fact that this teacher’s classes consist of no homework and minimal in-class work, students generally like this type of teacher.  At least until exam time.

The Monotone Teacher
Everything that comes out of this teacher’s mouth sounds like a recording from 1829.  It doesn’t matter if they’re discussing the use of proper nouns or notifying the class that the school is on fire, they always deliver the information like a zombie.  It’s quite possible that this teacher actually is a zombie who died 10 years ago but keeps showing up to class out of force of habit.

The Almost Retiree
It’s been said that with age comes wisdom.  Students of this teacher would beg to differ.  This teacher generally refuses to incorporate new aspects of education into his courses.  No, you can’t submit your report electronically – in his day everything had to be completed using a typewriter and if you needed to make copies, you typed the whole thing up twice.  Damn right he’s going to write all of his lessons on a chalkboard; why does this classroom even have a SmartBoard?  School is no place for Nintendo.

The Whacko
The jury’s still out on whether students enjoy this type of teacher.  They tend to sporadically change the volume at which they’re speaking for no apparent reason, lecture while standing on their desk, and skate around the classroom on rollerblades. 

Tuesday 6 January 2015

guilty pleasures

guilty pleasure
something that you shouldn't like, but like anyway

Against my better judgment, I’m going to share with you my guilty pleasures.

Don’t hate.

The Jonas Brothers
I have their self-titled album and I still listen to it.  I like to belt out “Hold On” when no one’s home.  Li’l Nick Jonas with his curls and his pre-pubescent voice is so hard not to love.  It’s even hard for me to hate his solo stuff.  I make fun of my boyfriend when he sings along to “Jealous” when it comes on the radio, but really I’m doing everything in my power to restrain from joining in.


Making pictures with loose hairs in the shower
Ladies with long hair are probably used to leaving some of their strands behind in the shower after shampooing and conditioning.  I don’t know if it’s just me, but a lot of mine end up on the walls of my shower.  Naturally, I move them around with my fingers and make pictures with them.  Sometimes I spell my name.  Please don’t tell me I’m the only one who does this.



Seafood Sauce
I’m not talking about dipping my shrimp in it – I eat this shit with a spoon.  I don’t even know why I like it so much.  It’s ketchup, hot sauce, Worcestershire, lemon juice, and horseradish.  Please don’t judge me.





YouTube videos of soldiers coming home
I don’t really have any connection to the army.  My cousin is a mobile support equipment operator with the Department of National Defence, but apart from that there’s nothing to explain my obsession with videos of soldiers being reunited with their families. Most people look at videos of animals doing funny things when they’re bored on the Internet.  I, however, like to seek out the most emotional videos of men and women in the army coming home to their parents, children, and spouses.  I sit in the dark and cry along with them.  And I love it.

MTV/VH1 reality shows
It’s true, I usually rag on people who list shows like Jersey Shore and Keeping up with the Kardashians in their “likes” on Facebook.  But, I actually can’t get enough of these shows.  As my Facebook friends already know, I spent most of my Christmas binge-watching Seasons 1 and 2 of Flavor of Love.  I don’t know what is it about mindless reality television that I like so much, but I’m addicted.  I can’t wait for Celebrity Marriage Bootcamp. 

Ears
I don’t think it’s unusual for people to nibble on their SO’s ears – I think of it along the same lines as giving hickeys or sucking on fingers (if you’re into that).  However, I don’t know if what I do can be classified as nibbling.  I’m pretty sure my boyfriend would emphatically say no.  Not only do I like to bite his ears, but I like to play with them with my fingers too.  And it’s not just his ears; it’s his dog’s ears, as well.  And my cat’s ears.  I don’t know.  Maybe I need therapy.

Monday 5 January 2015

new year, same gripes

It’s true that I try to be a pretty positive person.  I try really hard not to be judgmental and to always give people the benefit of the doubt, but sometimes I can’t help but be irritable.

The following is a list of my biggest pet peeves.  Note: these are not all my pet peeves, but I only have so much time to write this…

When you don’t know which tab is playing music
It usually happens on those torrent site when you click “Download this Torrent” and then two more tabs open up, then an ad starts playing and you have to click through the six tabs you already have opened then scroll down the length of each page to find out where the sound is coming from so you can shut that shit off.

When people have touch sounds enabled on their cellphones
Hearing that *click click click* when somebody is texting is so annoying, you just want to slap their phone out of their hand.

When people try to enter an elevator before letting people off
Why so eager? The elevator ain’t going anywhere until these people get off.

When people try to maneuver strollers through crowds
I get that you have to take your young child places, absolutely.  But if they can’t walk on their own, do not take them the grocery store the day before a holiday; do not take them to the mall on Black Friday; and definitely do not take them to the Regatta.  You’re just asking to make enemies.  Don’t even get me started on double strollers.

When people misuse “you know what I mean?”
Hey, I’m writing a blog post, you know what I mean?  I’m going to bed now, you know what I mean?  Yes, I have achieved higher than a 2nd grade education so of course I know what you mean.

When people cross diagonally in front of you
Look buddy, I’m holding a line of traffic behind me so that you can cross the street.  Taking the longest way across is a dick move.

When people stand with their shopping cart blocking the aisle
Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that you were Queen of Sobeys and I have to wait until you sufficiently browse the Campbell’s soup selection before I can get passed you.

When people don’t reset the microwave timer
I don’t know why this bugs me, it just does.

When people don’t RSVP
If someone goes through the trouble of planning an event, the least you can do is let them know whether you’ll be there.  Everything is done through Facebook nowadays.  All you have to do is select “Attending” or “Not Attending”.

People who write “ha ha” after everything when texting/e-mailing
It just makes me think you’re not serious about whatever you just said.  That or you have a really poor sense of humor.

Wet newspaper
It makes me cringe so bad.

The sound of forks scraping a plate
Worse than nails on a chalkboard.

When people say “___A.M. in the morning”
I was out until 2 A.M. in the morning.  No way!  You sure it wasn’t 2 A.M. in the afternoon?  Seems sketchy to me.

Overuse of the word “like”
We’re all adults now.  Unless you perpetually speak in similes, this has to stop.

When cashiers hand you your bills first, then your coins
When my change falls out of my hand because you passed it to me improperly, are you going to pick it up?  Yeah, I didn’t think so.

When a hinge breaks on a CD case
Now I can’t get to my Billy Talent CD without the case coming apart.

When people bring their fussy babies to restaurants
If your baby cries a lot or hasn’t had his nap yet, do not take him to Pizza Delight for a “treat”.  He doesn’t even know what that means.  Again, you’re just asking for enemies.

When people blow their noses at the table
My God, get up from the table and walk to the bathroom.  I don’t know what you think is acceptable at dinner time, but it isn’t this.

When you lose the string on your sweater inside your hood
Ugh, kill me now, am I right?

When people mispronounce “espresso”
I can’t believe this is still an issue, but it is.  It’s not “expresso”, it’s not “exspecially”, and it’s not “exscape”. 

When people don’t use their turn signal
Everyone hates this, so I don’t get why there are still so many people who do it.  Or, don’t do it.