how to

I’m going to draw on personal experience to formulate another list. The following is a list of annoying habits possessed by my coworkers.  If you don’t want to be a source of displeasure in your office, avoid doing the following things:

10 WAYS TO ANNOY COWORKERS

1.  Constantly update everyone in the office about the weather.  I have eyes, okay?  I can look out the window and see that it’s snowing.  Unless I’m going to have a snow day tomorrow, I don’t give a shit about the weather.

2.  Bathe in perfume.  Firstly, everybody knows that offices are scent-free environments nowadays.  I don’t have any allergies or reactions to scented products, but I do have a gag reflex.  Hosing yourself down with Chanel No. 5 isn’t going to hide the smell of cigarette smoke following you around.  It’s just going to merge with it to create an even more unpleasant smell, stupid.

3.  Give frequent news updates.  The only thing worse than constantly being updated on the weather is constantly being updated on the news.  For real.

4. Talk about family members that I’ve never even heard of before.  A lot of the women in my office have a habit of telling me stories about people that I’ve never met.  Even worse, they don’t explain who these people are. “I gotta pick up a present for little Johnny’s graduation, do you have any idea what I can get him?  I got Betty Sue a gift card for her graduation, but Anne Marie would kill me if I got little Johnny a gift card.  Maybe I can ask Bill Bob what I should get for him.  He and Kelly Ann are always good at picking out gifts.”  Yeah, I seriously have no idea who or what you’re talking about.  Please stop.

5.  Come up to my desk and say “knock knock”.  Seriously, knock it off. 

6.  Complain about the photocopier.  I don’t work for Xerox.  I don’t know any more about fixing the copier than anyone else.  If I’ve ever fixed an issue with the copier, it was through basic problem solving.  Don’t tell me you can’t figure out why your spreadsheet won’t print when the screen clearly says “need paper”. COME ON.

7.  Bring in a smelly lunch.  Look, I don’t mind if you want to bring in a but of salmon for your lunch every once in a while.  But for the love of cheesus, don’t constantly bring in curry, tuna, egg salad, garlic noodles, etc for your lunch.  And if you’re going to make popcorn, DON’T BURN IT.

8.  Call me to ask if I got your e-mail.  What is this, 1995?

9.  Constantly adjust the thermostat.  If you’re cold, put on a sweater.  Stop trying to cremate me.

10.  Burp.  This actually happens more than you would think. There are a few people in my office who just sit at their desk, burpin’ away. Maybe they think I don’t notice it, but I do.  Or maybe they just don’t give a shit. At least have the common decency to excuse yourself, weirdo.

here, kitty kitty

I love cats.  Cats are super awesome.  If you don't love them too, then you're really dumb.  Here's why cats are so friggin' fantastic:

1.  First of all, they’re painfully adorable.  Have you ever seen an ugly cat? No. Because they don’t exist.  They’re little and furry and have the biggest, cutest eyes EVER.

2.  They don’t shit on the floor.  Just give them a box and throw some sand in it. DONE.

3.  They don’t need to be walked.  Open the door; boot them out; sit back on the couch. Easiest.

4.  They’re quiet.  They don’t bark when somebody rings the doorbell, they don’t whine at you when they can see food on the table… they probably meow if they want to get outside or something, but who cares? That’s adorable.

5.  They bathe themselves.  Self-cleaning oven, self-cleaning toilet, self-cleaning pet.  Got it made.

6.  Abraham Lincoln loved cats. C’mon, Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves.  You’re basically a racist if you don’t love cats.

7.   Hitler hated cats. Dude. No-brainer.

8.  They can fit through almost space.  If the cat’s head can fit through it, they can squeeze their body through too. SO COOL.

9.  They can see in the dark.  Cats can see at one-sixth the light level required for human vision.  How badass is that?!

10.  They are hilarious.  Everyone has seen those videos on YouTube featuring cat’s being ridiculously hilarious. They are bigger [and smarter] celebrities than half of the people on the Internet.

If you don’t own a cat, go get one.  Or two.  Or watch this video of my cats cleaning each other.

let's go

I don’t know if it’s my generation or if it’s just the way the world is nowadays, but nobody wants to do anything anymore.

I know as you get older you have a job and school and all that lame shit that takes up most of your time, but where does the rest of your time go? To your TV.  Or to sleep.  You can sleep when you’re dead.

You never see anyone on How I Met Your Mother or Friends saying they’re too lazy to go get a beer or grab a coffee.  And yes, I know they’re TV shows, but they’re TV shows that help me prove my point.

 

Nobody’s up for anything anymore.  Plans get passed up because people would rather nap. Here’s a tip for ya: don’t stay up until 4am watching The Big Bang Theory and you won’t be so tired the next day. Stupid.

Take advantage of being young.  When you grow up and get married and have kids (y’know, if you’re into that) you really won’t have time for anything.

I’m not saying you have to stay out partying til dawn every night, but don’t come home from work and hove off in front of the television just because you have to go back to work the next day.  Go out and LIVE, b’y.

Call me up.  I’ll do anything.  Egg houses, I don’t care.  Let’s go.

let's make a list

Why do people need to announce that it’s Monday? I know it’s Monday. Don’t wish me happy Monday. Don’t ask me if I have a case of the Mondays. Just don’t talk to me.

…

I made an observation over the weekend that I’m going to share. 

Not unlike most people my age, I’ve been to my share of house parties.  I’ve come to the conclusion that there are 10 different kinds of [annoying] drunk people.

Let’s make a list:

1.   The one who drinks everything in sight – I’ve encountered this type of drunk many times before and it never really bothered me until last Saturday, when I saw my drink in their hand. GTFO.

2.   The one who is tone deaf but will sing/shout along to every song - I don’t mind if you can’t sing and you still want to, just don’t do it in my face… to every song that comes on… even the ones you don’t know the words to...  If you truly are that invested in singing… maybe take a lesson or two.

3.   The crying drunk chick – apparently, girl + alcohol = tears. There’s always at least one girl who has a breakdown (usually over nothing) and wakes up the next morning not having a clue what she was upset about.

4.   The fighting couple – they’ll spend most of the night separate from each other and then one of them will have a lapse in logic and decide to pick a fight so they’ll either get into a screaming match in the porch or lock themselves in the bathroom. Always a good time.

5.   The one who climbs on furniture - pretty self explanatory.  Stop standing on the couch…

6.   The one who can’t hold their liquor - this person will have been to lots of parties before but will STILL be unaware of how much liquor their body can handle, so they will end up headfirst in the toilet before the night is out.

7.   The one who thinks they are the life of the party - there’s one person in every group of friends who believes that they are the reason parties are held. When they get drunk, their delusions of grandeur really become apparent [and it makes you want to smack them.]

8.   The clumsy one – do not lay your drink down.  They will knock it over. 

9.   The one who insists on being the DJ - there’s always that person who needs to get at the iTunes every five minutes and put on their favorite song.  Total buzzkill.  Listen, just make a playlist and leave it the frig alone.

10. The one who requests a song and then continuously asks you when it’s going to come on - it’s usually one of those songs that are on the radio forty-three times a day, but they want you to play it anyway… and they want to know exactly when it’s going to come on.

If you’re unfortunate enough to know anybody who falls under more than one of the aforementioned categories, leave them off your next guest list.