s'no problem

There are lots of reasons not to like winter, but one of the worst would have to be driving on winter roads.  More specifically, other people driving on winter roads. 

These are the worst kinds of drivers you'll more than likely encounter in the winter.

People Who Drive Too Fast

For those of you who don't know, a speed limit is the speed at which road vehicles may legally travel on a particular stretch of road under ideal driving conditions.  Take note of that last part.  If the roads are covered in snow, ice, or slush, and visibility is poor, those are not ideal driving conditions.  Therefore, it is a stupid idea to go over the speed limit.

People Who Don't Clear the Snow Off Their Car

I don't care how late you are for work, you're going to be a lot later if you end up in a body bag (too dark?).  Even though it's a pain, clear all of the snow and ice off your hood, roof, windows, lights, and mirrors before driving.  If you don't, you're putting others at risk as well as yourself.  Not only can it reduce your own visibility, ice can fly off your car and hit other drivers or even pedestrians while you drive.  Don't be an ass.

People Who Refuse to Get Snow Tires

Winter tires exist for a reason.  Yes, they cost money; yes, you have to go through the trouble of putting your car into a garage to get them installed; and yes, you could kill yourself or somebody else if you choose to drive on summer (or even all-season tires) during the winter.  Yeah that's right, all-season tires are not safe for winter.  All-season tires do not have cold weather rubber compounds, channeling tread patterns, nor the open tread block pattern for deep snow traction.  You can argue until you're blue in the face, but you will not convince me that all-season tires are not suitable for the winter.

People Who Tailgate

Contrary to what surprisingly seems to be popular belief, rear-end collisions are nearly always the striking driver's fault.  Basic traffic laws mandate a driver must be able to come to a safe stop if the vehicle ahead stops or slows down.  Even in perfect weather conditions it's important to keep a safe distance from the car in front of you, but this rule becomes critical in nasty winter weather.  It doesn't matter if you're an experienced driver who has never had an accident before, it only takes one patch of ice or mushy snow piled up to create a problem and leave you without enough room to slow down or maneuver out of a collision.

People Who Rely Too Heavily on Their Brakes

It's a knee-jerk reaction to slam on the breaks to avoid a bad situation on the road.  In the winter, however, slamming on your breaks will only hurt the situation.  Slippery roads require more careful braking and require you to start braking much earlier than you would on a dry road.  Don't be stupid; pay attention so you won't have to slam on the brakes.  Candy Crush can wait.

crappy holidays

Spirits are generally high around the holidays.  Everyone's in a good mood, love is flowing out of every orifice, it's a good time.  Given all that, you know there's gonna be those people who just have to piss all over that joy.

These are those people. 

The Person Who Dresses Up Their Pet

I'm so not on board with the whole "fur babies" phenomenon.  I'm all about loving your pets, I just had to give away my cat and I cried to break my heart, but I'm still aware that my cat was not my child.  In my opinion, dressing your animal up in a Christmas sweater makes you seem like a nutter butter.  Your dog is already cute enough (and warm enough) without having to wear an itchy, confining dog-sized straight jacket.

The Person Who Puts Up Their Tree in November

Christmas is exciting, I get that, but the first day of Christmas isn't actually until December 25, meaning the 12 Days of Christmas run from December 25 to January 5.  So, you'll imagine my confusion when someone has their tree up and decorated the first week of November and by January 2^nd it's face down in their driveway ready to be hauled to the dump.  The same goes for Christmas music - when I walk into a shopping mall on November 1^st and "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" is blaring over the speakers, it makes me want to boycott Christmas.

The Person Who Hates Secular Christmas

I am not one to bash anybody's religion; I think people should be able to practice whatever religion they like - just don't shove it in my face.  If you put up a life-sized nativity scene on your front lawn, that's super.  It really doesn't make a difference to me.  But if I decide to put a star on the top of my Christmas tree instead of an angel, please do not scoff at my decision.  I know you have your own definition of what you believe is the true meaning of Christmas, but I do not need a lecture.  For the record, historians have been speculating for years that Jesus was actually born in the spring. WHAT NOW?!

The Person Who Gets a Gift for Everyone

It's awesome to know someone who wants to spread the Christmas spirit to everyone they know, but we all work with that one person who goes out and buys everyone in the office a $2 Christmas ornament forcing us to dart out to the mall and pick something up for them before they go on holidays so we don't spend the entire Christmas vacation feeling like an asshole.

The Person Who Never Chips in on Gifts

When there's a collection going around to get a gift for your boss/secretary/whomever, there's always that person who doesn't contribute because he/she decided to get their own gift for this person.  Why?  Who knows.  Maybe so that they'll stand out in that person's mind as the only one who got them a personal gift.  Maybe because they think that person will appreciate a marked-down box of Pot of Gold more than their contribution of $10 to round a gift card up to an even $100.  Either way, get a life.

that's a wrap

Christmas seems to lose its luster as you get older where presents are concerned.  As a kid it's near impossible to sleep on Christmas Eve due to the excitement of Santa and the presents waiting for you under the tree when you wake up on Christmas morning.  Still, there are those gifts that you just want to set fire to and watch as they burn down the house.

These are the worst kinds of Christmas gifts you could possibly give a child.

Clothes 

Clothes are not fun.  I'm pretty sure if it were up to most kids, they wouldn't even wear clothes.  Clothes are the type of present you get from your Godmother because your parents told her "he needs new pants".  There's nothing more disappointing than grabbing a gift from under the tree with your name marked on it and then discovering that it's one of those two-piece gift boxes.  You know before you even open it that it's a shitty sweater or worse, an underwear set.  Unless there's a puppy wrapped up in that sweater, your kid don't want it.

  

 School Supplies 

Thanks, mom.  I love my new pencil case and travel-sized three-hole punch.  I'm super grateful that you've managed to get me to think about school right now while I'm enjoying my Christmas holidays away from that hellhole.  I can't wait to get back there and try out my pocket calculator and mini stapler.  Much appreciated.

Batteries 

What a copout this is.  You're just after opening a kickass, battery-operated Optimus Prime action figure and upon reading the package you discover that batteries are not included.  Not a big deal, there are more presents to be opened!  You reach under the tree and grab another package addressed to you and you tear off the paper uncovering a package of batteries.  Okay, cool, I can use these for my Optimus Prime.  Wait... these were wrapped up.  Does that mean that these are supposed to count as an actual present?  You mean, in place of a battery-operated Megatron that I could've used in some mad re-enactment battle scenes against Optimus Prime, I got a four-pack of AA batteries?  What a crock.

  

Gifts That Are Actually For The Parents 

I don't remember including a hamper in my letter to Santa.  Nor did I ask for a hand vacuum.  I think my parents are trying to tell me something...

Fruit 

For some reason there are parents out there who are obsessed with using fruit as a stocking stuffer.  I don't know if it's to try and force their kids to be healthy or if it's a cheap way to take up room in the stocking or maybe it's a bit of both. It's pretty disappointing to reach into your stocking and feel the hard, traitorous peel of an orange.  Maybe you convince yourself that it's just a bouncy ball, but then you pull it out and that cruel orange bastard is staring you right in the face.  Thanks for the Vitamin C, parents.  It's just what I wanted.

ho ho no

Christmas is a magical time.  There are lots of treats to enjoy and good times to be had.  Like everything else, there are those people that end up ruining it for the rest of us by practicing the worst and dumbest Christmas traditions ever.

There are five Christmas traditions that need to go back to the depths of Hell from which they came.

 

1. Mistletoe

In theory, mistletoe seems like a romantic holiday tradition.  You've been chasing that guy all year and you accidentally bump into him underneath the mistletoe at your friend's holiday party, your eyes lock and the rest is history.  Real life, however, is not so serendipitous.  Chances are, if you end up meeting somebody under the mistletoe, it's going to be the last person in the world you want to mack on.  The only people who play by mistletoe rules are drunk coworkers and weird uncles.

2. Black Friday

Perhaps the worst holiday tradition.  People wake up at 5am to stand in line for two hours in order to buy something that you never needed in the first place at a price that is still ridiculous despite the "markdown".  Most of the low prices that are available on Black Friday last long after Black Friday is over.  Here's a little tip for you: a sale that convinces you to buy something that you wouldn't have purchased otherwise is not actually a good deal.

3. Fruitcake

Who invented this dark, heavy brick of dried berries?  Someone actually sat down one say and said, "I have some dark rum, molasses, currants, and all these dried cranberries.  I think I'll make a cake."  Eating fruitcake is the equivalent of eating an oatmeal raisin cookie when you think it's a chocolate chip cookie.  Cake is supposed to be sweet, and delicious, and invoke childlike joy when consumed.  Fruitcake just invokes anger and dry heaving.

4. Christmas Photo Card

The thing about Christmas cards is you get to throw them away when the season is over.  When somebody gives you a Christmas card with photo of their family on the front, throwing it away doesn't seem...kosher.  The worst kinds of Christmas photo cards are the ones with a couple and all of their pets.  "Merry Christmas from John, Sally, and Rover!"  No.  Your dog is not wishing anyone a Merry Christmas.  Your dog does not know what Christmas is.  Your dog does not understand why you dressed him in a red vest and pointed a silver rectangle at him.

5. Rope Lights

Ugly, ugly, ugly.  I don't know what genius came up with rope lights as a Christmas decoration, but I definitely hope they've since been fired.  You can't hang them from anything like normal Christmas lights, if one of the bulbs goes out you have no way of replacing it, and they come in colors like blue and yellow (what the hell is that?!).  The only use I can think of for rope lights is to use them to tie up the guy who invented them, and then beat him to a pulp.