parlez-vous anglais?

Time for a quick lesson in grammar.

With all of the social media sites on the go t today, I have seen my fair share of misspelled words and misused phrases because, sadly, a basic knowledge of English is not required to use the Internet.

The following are some examples of misspellings and misuses that I have come across from some of the less than well-educated people on the World Wide Web.

1.       You’re/Your – Gonna get this one out of the way.  Write this down for future reference: “you’re” means “you are”. If you are describing something belonging to or associated with somebody, use “your”. I truly don’t know why people can’t grasp this concept.  “You’re” even frigging looks like “you are” mushed together - the only thing missing is the letter “a”.  I should also mention “they’re”, “their”, and “there”.  “They’re” is equivalent to “you’re”; “their” is equivalent to “your”; and “there” refers to a place or position.

2.      Too/To – Another common yet simple one.  Just think of it this way, “too” means “to an excessive degree”, so the word requires an excessive amount of “O’s”. 

3.       Then/Than – I don’t have a clever way to remember this one – just be smarter.  If you’re comparing something, use “than”.  If not, don’t.

4.        Lose/Loose – I need to make something clear: it’s impossible to “loose weight”.  But you can certainly “lose” it.  Your pants are “loose”, not your pounds.

5.       Supposedly – It isn't supposably.  That’s not a word.  Supposable is a word, but I can guarantee that’s not what you meant.

6.       Definitely – There is no “a” in this word.  It is not “definately”.  It is definitely not “definitily”.  It is “definite” + “ly”. 

7.      Completely – Not “completly.  Not “completeley”.  “Complete” + “ly”.  It’s so completely simple.

8.      Apparently – No matter how much sense you think it makes, the word “appear” is not a part of this word.  “Appearantly” is nothing.  “Apparantly” is also nothing.

9.      Unfortunately – This one is a sort of tricky, I know.  But it’s not “unfortunitly”, nor is it “unfortunetely”.  My dad taught me to spell this in sections when I was in a spelling bee in Grade 5. “UN” “FOR” “TUNA” “TELY”.  May you never misspell this word again.

10.   Weird – Not “wierd”.  “I before E” does not apply here.  Deal with it.

11.   License – Lots of people spell it “licence” which, unless you are from the UK, is wrong.  Others spell it “lisense”.  This is wrong no matter what part of the world you’re in.

12.   Pronunciation – Not “pronounciation”.  Make sure you pronounce it correctly, too.

13.   Finally – Two “L’s”.

14.   Until – One “L”

15.    Used to – Not “use to”.  The most commonly used form of this word means “taking place in the past”. You’re using it to describe the past, so use the past tense. “I used to smoke white widow, but now I smoke OG kush.”

16.   A lot – It’s not one word.  That’s all I can say.  You learn this in Grade 6.  It’s babytown frolics.  Seriously.

17.   Could have – This one drives me crazy.  There’s no such thing as “could of”.  “I could of aced my English test if I wasn't such a knob.”  Nope, but you “could have”.

18.   Couldn’t care less – Sooo many people use the expression “I could care less”. Like: “I could care less that my ex is dating a cheerleader”.  This clearly means you care to some degree, considering you just stated that it is possible for you to care less than the extent to which you are currently caring.  Understand?

19.    Per se – Note the spelling; it is not “per say” – it’s a Latin phrase meaning “in itself”.  If you can’t substitute “in itself” into the sentence wherein you want to use “per se”, don’t use “per se”.  If you don’t know how to use “in itself” in a sentence, then why are you trying to speak Latin?

20.   Literally – There is literally steam coming out of my ears due to the number of people who misuse the word “literally”.  Wait, no there isn’t.  But figuratively there is.  Stop using the word “literally” to mean “figuratively”. Stop.

awk

It’s been a while

I’m gonna write about what happened to me recently, just so you can get an idea of exactly how socially awkward I am.

At work a couple of weeks ago, some of the lab techs were giving a presentation in one of the classrooms. Attending the presentation was optional; however, it looks bad if you don’t show up to these things.  I had every intention of going, unfortunately, I forgot about it until ten minutes after it had started. I debated whether I should go and figured I’d look like an asshole if I didn’t show up (even if I was late).

LUCKILY, they hadn’t started yet. HOWEVER, everyone was already seated and settled in.  If you know me at all, you know I’m not really one for being the center of attention, therefore, when I got in there and saw that everyone had already taken their seat, I immediately bypassed the coffee/cake trolley at the front of the room so as to avoid having all eyes on me while I awkwardly fumbled to put a cup of tea together. 

SO: I picked up a big white jug that had “tea” scribbled on it in Sharpie (super classy) and when I poured it into the shitty little cafeteria tea cup, there was no tea – it was just water.  No big deal, the tea bags must be separate.  I grabbed a sweetener and started looking around the trolley for a pile of teabags.  Except there weren’t any. And the presentation was starting.  I took my cup of hot water and headed to the back of the room because there was no one seated back there.

Trying to be as inconspicuous as possible, I opened my packet of sweetener and emptied it into my mug of hot water so that people would be convinced I had tea.  Yeah, I was putting on a pretty good show. Anyway, a couple of minutes later, two more people came in and sat right in front of me.  Aw shit.  If they turn around to say hello or something, they’re going to see that there’s nothing in my mug except water.  Why was this a big deal?  I have no idea.  But it was. So… I drank the hot, sweaty, sweetener water. And it was disgusting.

This kind of shit actually happens to me on a daily basis.

Too bad Seinfeld is over. I probably could’ve sold the rights to this story to Larry David.  Tough break.

boob tube

While I don’t have any talents or skills (like most normal people do), I do consider myself to have impeccable taste in television and movies.  I’ve watched enough television to know what makes a quality TV show and what makes a horrible, pointless, hour-long waste of time.  Most shows that are terrible timewasters get cancelled after the first season. However, some shows trick people into thinking that they’re actually worth watching, thus giving me the need to create a list of the top ten most overrated shows on television right now.

1. Two and a Half Men – I seriously don’t get the appeal of this show.  Even when Charlie Sheen was on it, it wasn’t enjoyable, and Charlie Sheen is everybody’s favourite train wreck.  But honestly, what is the fascination with this show?  It’s just Pretty in Pink’s Duckie trying not to get kicked out of his brother, Charlie [Sheen]’s beach-front home in Malibu while trying to raise his lazy, airheaded son, and deal with his snobby, entitled ex-wife, (and sometimes his sexual deviant of a mother).  They couldn’t even finish shooting the 8^th season because Charlie Sheen checked himself into rehab and had some choice words with the writers of the show.   So, they hired Ashton Kutcher – of all people – to take Charlie’s place who, coincidentally, is also dealing with a divorce and, here comes the shocker, is rich too!  And for some bizarre reason, Ashton’s character has no problem letting some random man and his round-faced kid live with him.  That sounds like a recipe for a terrible waste of a half hour, if you ask me.

2. Grey’s Anatomy – I’m sure even the biggest fans of this show will agree with me that it’s completely and utterly overrated.   I always liken it to a more sexualized, more modernized, less awkward version of Dawson’s Creek.  Grey’s Anatomy is a drama-filled show about a group of interns who are accepted into the residency program at the fictional Seattle Grace Hospital and we basically watch as they trade sexual partners with each other, screw up medical procedures, get yelled at by their superiors, and basically sit around in stairwells doing everything but work.  All while speaking in horrible clichés and having crazy mood swings.  MadTV’s parody sums up the show pretty well:

3.  Dancing with the Stars – Unbelievably, everybody and their mom love this show.  The producers should be sued for false advertising, because from the few episodes I’ve forced myself to sit through, I saw no stars.  This show is, astonishingly, on its 16th season and the “star”’ of Season 16 are:  Alexandra Raisman, Andy Dick, D.L. Hughley, Dorothy Hamill, Ingo Rademacher, Jacoby Jones, Kellie Pickler, Lisa Vanderpump, Sean Lowe, Victor Ortiz, Wynonna Judd, and Zendaya.  I recognize 3 of 16 of these names, two of which were considered washed up 5 or more years ago, and the third was made famous through a reality show, therefore, I don’t think she should be considered a “star”.  I think it goes without saying that this show makes promises it can’t keep.  If they actually had stars on this show, I would watch it.  I certainly wouldn’t mind spending one hour a week watching Paul Rudd tackle the Lindy Hop or Emma Stone trying to master the Fox trot.  But I couldn’t care less about watching a random Olympic athlete trying to perfect his/her pas de bourée.

 

4.  Gossip Girl – I’ve probably watched all of five minutes of this show and that’s all I needed to be able to form an opinion.  It’s like they took Degrassi, gave the characters gargantuan trust funds, and amplified their sexuality by five million.  I mean, I almost got pregnant just from watching a preview for the fourth season.  It’s basically rich bitches fighting over boys and backstabbing their friends.  Essentially, it’s the reason why guys think girls are psychotic. Thanks, Gossip Girl.

 

5.  2 Broke Girls – I know a lot of people like this show exclusively for Kat Dennings, but, I’m not a fan.  I can’t get past her teeth, I’m sorry.  And I’m so over the character that she tries to pull off in every role she plays.  I mean, she was funny in Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist (which was the first time I saw her), when she played an awkward, sarcastic, and slightly insecure indie chick who inevitably falls for Michael Cera’s nervous, gawky, and slightly timid character (a character which is also played out) – but seeing her play the same part over and over again is just tiring.  And putting her next to a completely unlikable Beth Behrs (Caroline) just adds insult to injury.  The writing is just simple-minded humor and consists of mostly one-liners that Dennings’ sassy character dishes out a few times an episode.  Trust me, there are better things you could be doing on a Monday night.

6.  The Voice – When the preview for this series aired, I wasn’t quite sure what to expect, but the whole “blind audition” thing seemed pretty exciting.  I learned, however, that once the auditions are actually over, it’s basically just The X Factor.  The only exception being that the judges are seated in ridiculously oversized swivel chairs. 

Here’s the part of the list where people start wanting to kick my ass:

7.  Glee – I used to be the biggest gleek, seriously.  But, in my opinion, after the first season, it just wasn’t the same show.  I mean, one of the things that kept you watching was Rachel Berry’s overzealous character in her knee-socks and pony sweaters.  But then they gave her bangs. And makeup.  And tight shirts.   And she’s just not the same, loveable Rachel Berry anymore.  And then they started picking terrible songs to cover, like Rebecca Black’s “Friday” and Ke$ha’s “Tik Tok”.  And Ryan Murphy, the writer, seems to have an obsession with starting story arcs and then completely forgetting about them.  It’s a little frustrating.  But people still rave about the show.  It has taken home four Golden Globes and six People’s Choice Awards.  People certainly haven’t stopped watching, despite how poor the writing has gotten.  Sorry, Ryan Murphy.  I still like you as a friend.

8.  The Walking Dead – If you know me, you’ll know I’m a huge fan of The Walking Dead.  But, that still doesn’t mean that it’s not overrated.  It’s a good show, don’t get me wrong, but the way people worship this show like it’s the best show on television and that nothing will ever top it is just stupid.  I understand that making a show about the zombie apocalypse is definitely a challenge.  I mean, it’s not a two-hour movie in which the characters can sail away on a raft to what you can only assume is “freedom”, since that’s where the movie ends.  Nonetheless, I still think people give this show more praise than it deserves.  There’s no denying that the plot twists are constantly unexpected and that the there’s no shortage of cliffhangers, but more often than not you’re just sort of sitting and waiting for something to happen.  The actors are amazing, the concept is genius, but it still feels like there’s something lacking.

9.  Breaking Bad – Expecting some hate mail for this one.  I think I’ve gotten at least halfway through the third season of this show and I’m still not hooked.  If you ask me, there’s something wrong there.  I know a few people who would go as far as to say that this is the single greatest show on TV. I don't get that.  It’s my understanding that the main character in a television show should be likeable.  I mean, Dexter Morgan is a serial killer, and I still wouldn't kick him out of bed for eating crackers.  Walter White, on the other hand, deserves a punch in the face (in my opinion, anyway).  Also, I feel like a lot of the ‘twists’ in this show are purely for shock value.  They don't necessarily make the story any better.  You’re always thinking “jeepers, how’s Walt going to get himself out of this?” and then by some completely unrealistic means, everything gets resolved.  Maybe that’s a large part of why I don’t like the show.  I get stressed out easily, especially while watching TV shows or movies in which somebody gets him/herself into a lot of trouble.  Ever see Dinner for Schmucks?  Well, I have to watch that movie in increments, spread out over a couple of days, because the amount of things that go wrong in that movie is just too much for me to handle.  And then there’s Skylar.  Seriously, why is she so annoying?  I cringe anytime she opens her oversized mouth.

10.  The Big Bang Theory – I think this one is going to upset the most people.  But, I cannot understand the overwhelming attraction to this show?  I’m confident that if you asked 80% of the population to list their favourite shows, this show would be among the top three. Yes, I agree that Jim Parsons is a comedic genius and is a terrific actor and all that good stuff.   Yes, John Galecki, Kunal Nayyar, and Simon Helberg are also incredibly talented and witty and blah blah blah.  I still don't agree that this show just is as remarkable as everybody makes it out to be. I think that most people like to pretend that they identify with Sheldon and that they can understand what he’s saying when he gets on with his scientific hypotheses and shit.  But, get real.  And I don’t know what they were thinking when they decided on Kaley Cuoco’s character.  Way to make it look like all pretty girls are dumb.  Not that I would take offense to that (I'm not exactly a Kaley Cuoco look-a-like), but any female characters on The Big Bang Theory are… well...not ugly, per se… but they certainly give off the impression that they don’t give a shit about their appearance. (I’m talking to you, Mayim Bialik).

playtime

As I was ransacking my room the other day looking for my iPod, I found my Bop-It that I had gotten for Christmas like 5 years ago.  First, I was all like “man, I really should clean out my room” but then I was all like “man, remember how frigging awesome Bop-It used to be?”   Consequently, I have compiled a list of my top ten favourite playthings as a child.  Beware: nostalgia will soon be setting in.

 

1.      Bop-It – as mentioned earlier, Bop-It was the COOLEST.  I used to be so deadly at it, too.  I know you’re probably thinking you were just as good, but, seriously, I was better.  Everyone thinks they’re awesome at Bop-it, but trust me, I’m the best.  I’d school everyone in a game of “pass it”.  I probably still could.  And then there was Bop-It Extreme, at which I also kicked truckloads
of ass.  Seriously.

2.      Skydancers – these were like the version of Barbies that older kids weren’t too embarrassed to play with.  And they were SO COOL.  Well, they were for like the first little while after you got them.  You’d get one for Christmas and see how long it took you to get it stuck in the garland on the ceiling.  And then you’re just… over it.  Until you got a new one, obviously.

3.      Echo Mic – this was seriously such a simple toy, but you could entertain yourself for hours just from shouting “OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” into it.  You could also really annoy the shit out of your parents, which is undoubtedly another perk.

4.      Yak Bak – this little shitty device could only record like five or so seconds of sound, but there was no limit to the number of things we could come up with to record.  Mostly swear words and different names for reproductive organs.  A laugh and a half.

5.      Tamagotchi – I don’t know why everybody was so obsessed with these, but I swear to frig you weren’t a cool kid if you didn’t own one.  Needless to say, I didn’t own one.  I think a friend let me borrow hers once and I got bored with it and ended up letting the little frigger die… and then she got really mad at me.  Sorry, Brittany.

6.      Pogs – OH MAN, POGS.  I’m not even sure I knew how to play Pogs.  But, shit, did I love collecting them.  I think I had like 5 slammers and I didn’t even know what they were used for. 
hey were just my favourite Pogs.

7.      Furby – creepy little bastards.  How did anyone ever think these things were cute?  The voice alone was enough to give you nightmares.  I swear they still did shit without even having batteries in them.

8.      Polly Pocket – remember these?  They came with one shitty little “Polly” piece that you could lay in one of the little circular indentations throughout the castle/mall/water park scene and then she’d just stand there.  Then you could move her to the next place, and make her stand there instead. WTF.

9.      Sock’em Boppers – these were pretty hardcore.  You could give someone a serious nosebleed with these.  Giving a set of these to a kid with a sibling was basically like giving them a license to kill.  But they were so awesome.

       10.  Easy bake oven – this was a luxury that I never got to experience.  I can only imagine the splendor of owning one of these treasures.  The 20-somethings that you see driving around in cars that their parents obviously paid for were the kids who got Easy Bake Ovens for their birthday.  Spoiled bitches.

a bad rap

What the hell is going on with rap lately?  My boyfriend (unfortunately) listens to a quite a lot of rap and when he’s listening in the car and I’m in the passenger seat (which, by the way, would be the only instance in which I would subject myself to such torture), my jaw drops at the stupidity of the lyrics:

 “Yeah, I mean you ain’t the only real, nigga
They got me on these white women like Seal, nigga
Slave to the pussy but I’m just playing the field, nigga
Yeah, are these people really discussing my career again?”

WTF

Why do people want to listen to this?  What happened to the good ol’ days when Will Smith was rappin’ about girls being nothin’ but trouble and parents not understandin’?  And what about this gem:

“Take heed, 'cause I'm a lyrical poet
Miami's on the scene just in case you didn't know it
My town, that created all the bass sound
Enough to shake and kick holes in the ground”

Granted, Vanilla Ice’s self-proclamation of “a lyrical poet” can be considered somewhat less than accurate, but at least he doesn’t rhyme the word “nigga” with “nigga” (three times, at that).

I’m not saying that all rap is horrible, but about 90% of rap songs nowadays lack any kind of substance.  If all you want to rap about is female reproductive organs, how did you even get famous in the first place?  It doesn’t even take any kind of skill or education to write rap lyrics.  Just throw in lots of profanity, refer to women in a demeaning manner, and say “yo” a lot. There, you’ve got yourself a #1 hit.

Makes me angry that people who can’t even be bothered to put together a proper sentence own million-dollar condos and are driving Lamborghinis (are they still popular?  I know nothing about cars). 

On that negative, slightly spiteful note, I leave you with a rapper who knows what’s up (and who happens to be one of my guilty pleasures).

Enjoy, hoes.

chick smarts

Most - if not all - girls have a purse or a tote bag that they take everywhere.  In said purse or tote bag, there are a few staple items.  The following is a list of essentials that I think everyone should have in their purse:

Detergent Pen – you never know when you’re going to waste coffee all over yourself.  Because life is usually an asshole, it’s likely to happen just before a big date or job interview.  Get out your Tide Pen and clean that shit up.

The contents of my sister's purse

Gum/mints – fresh breath is always a must.

Pocket mirror – my friends are dicks and probably wouldn’t tell me if I had something stuck in my teeth.  Therefore, my pocket mirror is my best friend.

Foundation – this may not be as vital to others as it is to me, but when your face is oilier than Danny Zuko’s hair, you’re going to require multiple touch-ups throughout the day.

Nail file – again, this may not be as vital to most people, but I generally have my nails at a length long enough to be in danger of cracking off while wrestling with a stubborn Pepsi can pull tab.

Lipgloss – I’m pretty confident every girl has this in their purse already - chapped lips are a pain in the ass.

Moisturizer – just convenient to have.

Band-aids – I carry these as a sort of public service.  I don’t usually cut myself bad enough to warrant a band-aid.  If I’m ever wearing a band-aid, it’s most likely for aesthetic purposes.

Tissues – something else I carry as a public service.  I don’t blow my nose in public – ew – but who am I to deny anyone else?

The contents of my purse

Tampons – ladies, no-brainer.

Pen – just good common sense!

Aspirin – if you work with the type of people I work with, this is a necessity.

Extra phone charger – this is a very good investment (actually, I don’t know if this qualifies as an investment… phone chargers are not very expensive).  I have three: one for home, one for work, and one in my bag.

Nail/eyelash/crazy glue – very handy to have.  Nail and eyelash glue are both a lot stronger than you’d think.  You never know when you’re going to have to glue a penis back onto a statue – haven’t you ever seen The Wedding Planner?

Hand sanitizer – Who knows how many people pick their nose before they shake your hand?

What are some of your purse essentials?

less money, mo' problems

I've decided I’m going to try to educate you donkeys on saving money, because I've lost a lot of time listening to people complain about how little money they have.  

Here we go:

1. Stop eating out every night – this is a no-brainer, but it’s ridiculous how many people disobey this rule.  What’s hilarious is people who spend $300 on a grocery bill and then grab McDonald’s for supper on the way home. COME ON.  A night at Boston Pizza is $30 even without the fancy drinks.  Doing that even once a week is really going to hurt your piggy bank.

2. Say no to online shopping – I am a huge disobeyer of this rule (is that even a word?).  Online shopping is a money racket.  You can’t try anything on, so the chances of getting something that doesn’t fit are very high; you don’t really notice how much you’re adding to your cart until your total is in the triple digits, but then you convince yourself that there’s nothing you can get rid of; shipping costs alone are enough to rob you blind.

3. Cut out your frivolous daily spending – I know most people claim they are “addicted” to their coffee and they “need” their daily Tim’s fix or else they won’t get through the day, but the $2 you’re spending every day on your morning coffee is really adding up.  If you stopped buying a coffee everyday and you started putting that $2 away, in a year and a half you’d have over $1000.  If you can’t live without your morning coffee, buy a coffee maker.  And stop being so stupid.

4.  Stop accumulating interest – Most people have a savings account, which is super, but if you have a savings account and you have credit card debt, you’re throwing your friggin’ money away.  Do yourself a favor and use your savings to pay off your credit card.  Don’t pay the credit card companies any more than you have to.  They’re assholes.

5.  Don’t buy things you can’t afford – DUH.  Seems painfully obvious, but people end up doing this because they think of their credit card as free money.  If you want to buy something but you’re lacking funds, yeah, you can put it on your credit card… but if you can’t pay off the full balance with your next paycheck, you probably shouldn’t be buying it.

6.  Save money on banking fees – Man, to withdraw money from an ATM of a different bank you need to pay a $3 transaction fee.  THAT’S LUDICROUS.  That costs more than your morning coffee.  Do yourself another favor and only withdraw money from your own bank.

7.  Don’t buy stuff you don’t need – another no-brainer.  But, I guess most people have no brains, because I see this happening a lot.  If you’re not going to want it in a few days, or you already have a hundred of them (girls, I’m talking to you.  Stop buying lip gloss), then don’t waste your money.

8. Don’t grocery shop when you’re hungry – this one is on every money-saving list, I know, but that’s because it’s important.  If you’re starving when you go grocery shopping, you’re going to be so amped up when you see pizza pockets on sale that you’re going to buy ten boxes of them, and then you’re going to convince yourself that you’re going to eat them all when you go home.  And then a week later you’ll open your freezer and remember that you hate pizza pockets.  But now you have ten boxes.

9.  Stop paying for cell phone/internet overages – If you’re like me, your electronic devices consume a lot of data, and that’s fine.  Just make sure you have a data plan that allows you to consume a lot of data, otherwise you’ll be paying out of your ass for it.  For example, if you use about 100 gigabytes of data a month (through Netflix, downloading movies, whatever), but your plan only allots for 60 gigabytes, and the next plan up is 120 gigabytes but you figure, you don’t want to pay for the extra 20 gigs you won’t use, then you’re stupid.  For argument’s sake, let’s say a 60 gig plan costs $50 a month and an 120 gig plan costs $100, and your Internet company charges you $2 for every gig you go over (which is standard), for the 100 gigs you’re using, you’re paying $130.  For $100, you could have a data plan with 20 extra gigs.  You could be a total badass and download movies you don’t even want to watch.

10. Stop paying for memberships/subscriptions you don’t use – obviously, gym membership is the big one.  But there are others – magazine subscriptions, sample subscriptions, etc.  Companies know exactly what they’re doing by offering memberships. I spent months trying to get myself taken off a VIP list of a lingerie site that I didn’t even sign up for – the way the membership worked was that they had my credit card on file and every month they’d charge me $39.95 that they called a “credit” and I could use this “credit” toward a bra set of my choosing.  As I understand it, if I’m paying for it myself, it’s not a credit.  But in any case, you need to unsubscribe from or cancel any memberships that you don’t use.  The only thing that gets a workout from paying for a gym membership that you don’t use is your wallet.