10 WAYS TO ANNOY COWORKERS
1. Constantly update everyone in the office about the weather. I have eyes, okay? I can look out the window and see that it’s snowing. Unless I’m going to have a snow day tomorrow, I don’t give a shit about the weather.
2. Bathe in perfume. Firstly, everybody knows that offices are scent-free environments nowadays. I don’t have any allergies or reactions to scented products, but I do have a gag reflex. Hosing yourself down with Chanel No. 5 isn’t going to hide the smell of cigarette smoke following you around. It’s just going to merge with it to create an even more unpleasant smell, stupid.
3. Give frequent news updates. The only thing worse than constantly being updated on the weather is constantly being updated on the news. For real.
4. Talk about family members that I’ve never even heard of before. A lot of the women in my office have a habit of telling me stories about people that I’ve never met. Even worse, they don’t explain who these people are. “I gotta pick up a present for little Johnny’s graduation, do you have any idea what I can get him? I got Betty Sue a gift card for her graduation, but Anne Marie would kill me if I got little Johnny a gift card. Maybe I can ask Bill Bob what I should get for him. He and Kelly Ann are always good at picking out gifts.” Yeah, I seriously have no idea who or what you’re talking about. Please stop.
5. Come up to my desk and say “knock knock”. Seriously, knock it off.
6. Complain about the photocopier. I don’t work for Xerox. I don’t know any more about fixing the copier than anyone else. If I’ve ever fixed an issue with the copier, it was through basic problem solving. Don’t tell me you can’t figure out why your spreadsheet won’t print when the screen clearly says “need paper”. COME ON.
7. Bring in a smelly lunch. Look, I don’t mind if you want to bring in a but of salmon for your lunch every once in a while. But for the love of cheesus, don’t constantly bring in curry, tuna, egg salad, garlic noodles, etc for your lunch. And if you’re going to make popcorn, DON’T BURN IT.
8. Call me to ask if I got your e-mail. What is this, 1995?
9. Constantly adjust the thermostat. If you’re cold, put on a sweater. Stop trying to cremate me.
10. Burp. This actually happens more than you would think. There are a few people in my office who just sit at their desk, burpin’ away. Maybe they think I don’t notice it, but I do. Or maybe they just don’t give a shit. At least have the common decency to excuse yourself, weirdo.