kickin' the bucket

Having a bucket list is a popular concept.  However, I am not a lofty goal maker so I obviously don’t have one.  So, because I’m a march-to-my-own-drummer kinda girl (more like a flail-to-my-own-tin-whistle kinda girl) I’ve created an anti-bucket list.  If I can get through my entire life while avoiding the following things, I will die happy.

Online Dating

Not to knock the people who do it, because I don’t necessarily have a problem with it.  I just hope I never get to the place where I have to do it.

 

Watch an Episode of Gossip Girl

I do enough things that kill brain cells; I don’t need to add to that.

Drive a Mini Cooper

Just the dumbest car.

Wear a Pair of Jeggings

Just the dumbest article of clothing.

See Nicki Minaj Live

Just the dumbest person on earth.

Wear Flip Flops in Public

Feet are not my thing.  I don’t mind people wear flip flops to the beach and stuff – I do it too.  I just can’t stand people wearing them anywhere else.  The noise of them combined with my having to look at a stranger’s feet…. get out.

Fast for 24 Hours

Anyone who knows me understands that food is my life.  It seriously is.  I love food.

Swimming with Sharks

NOPE

Drinking Homogenized Milk

Why would anyone even do this ever?

Get Plastic Surgery

As much as I want to look like Zooey Deschanel…..

Get Any Kind of Surgery

Have you seen the movie “Awake”?! No, thank you!

Wear a Matching Outfit

Why is this even a thing?

Hitchhike

Last thing I need is to be picked up by a Ted Bundy.

Witness an Apocalypse

Sure, movies make it look like it would be cool, but movies also make it look like Billy Bob Thornton can bag a hot wife and we all know that’s not true.

Watch Big Momma’s House 2

I wish I could add the first one to this list too, but I’m afraid I’ve already wasted 2 hours of my life on that movie.

Shoot Tequila

If you hand me a tequila shot, it’s getting poured down your pants.

Do Stand-Up Comedy

Sure I’m funny, but I’m not that funny. 

Open a Restaurant

I’ve seen Kitchen Nightmares.  I ain’t no fool.

Visit a Nude Beach

Wrinkly balls, wrinkly balls everywhere.

Go to Prison

Maybe if I had Crazy Eyes to be my prison wife, it wouldn’t be so bad.

Drink the Leftover Milk When my Cereal is Gone

Just thinking about it is making me dry heave.

Eat Salad without Dressing

Why would I do this.  Grow up.

Eat a Gas Station Hot Dog

I don’t even like non gas station hot dogs.

Go On a Blind Date

It’s not even so much because I’m afraid I’ll be set up with a weirdo.  It’s because I’m afraid the other person is going to be pissed off that they were set up with a weirdo.

 

Read the Twilight Series

Ugh, get away from me.

Pay to See a Mel Gibson Movie

You, sir, are a tool.

Own a Selfie Stick

If there’s an invention out there that’s dumber than this, I don’t even want to know what it is.

Eat a Raw Mushroom

Just can’t do it, brah.

Own a Rodent

No guinea pigs, no hamsters, no mice.  They’re all just ugly.

Lose a Limb

How am I supposed to eat a Big Mac with one hand?

Get a Brazilian Wax

I’m not one to punish myself.

Wear Crocs

Because, no.

Wear a Unitard

I feel like this one doesn’t need to be explained.

Go Vegan

Sarah needs meat.

Be a Bartender

I can’t handle drunk people when I’m sober.  Actually, I can’t handle sober people when I’m sober either.

Milk a Cow

Please, no.

Go to Dusk Ultralounge

Get outta here.

Eat Octopus

In Korea, people eat live octopus.  Sometimes I can’t eat yogurt because it’s too slimy for me.  Get real.

Become a Smoker

It is the most unattractive habit.

Shop at Pier 1

I have better things to waste my money on.