Friday, 16 January 2015

kickin' the bucket

Having a bucket list is a popular concept.  However, I am not a lofty goal maker so I obviously don’t have one.  So, because I’m a march-to-my-own-drummer kinda girl (more like a flail-to-my-own-tin-whistle kinda girl) I’ve created an anti-bucket list.  If I can get through my entire life while avoiding the following things, I will die happy.

Online Dating
Not to knock the people who do it, because I don’t necessarily have a problem with it.  I just hope I never get to the place where I have to do it.
Watch an Episode of Gossip Girl
I do enough things that kill brain cells; I don’t need to add to that.

Drive a Mini Cooper
Just the dumbest car.

Wear a Pair of Jeggings
Just the dumbest article of clothing.

See Nicki Minaj Live
Just the dumbest person on earth.

Wear Flip Flops in Public
Feet are not my thing.  I don’t mind people wear flip flops to the beach and stuff – I do it too.  I just can’t stand people wearing them anywhere else.  The noise of them combined with my having to look at a stranger’s feet…. get out.

Fast for 24 Hours
Anyone who knows me understands that food is my life.  It seriously is.  I love food.

Swimming with Sharks

Drinking Homogenized Milk
Why would anyone even do this ever?

Get Plastic Surgery
As much as I want to look like Zooey Deschanel…..

Get Any Kind of Surgery
Have you seen the movie “Awake”?! No, thank you!

Wear a Matching Outfit
Why is this even a thing?

Last thing I need is to be picked up by a Ted Bundy.

Witness an Apocalypse
Sure, movies make it look like it would be cool, but movies also make it look like Billy Bob Thornton can bag a hot wife and we all know that’s not true.

Watch Big Momma’s House 2
I wish I could add the first one to this list too, but I’m afraid I’ve already wasted 2 hours of my life on that movie.

Shoot Tequila
If you hand me a tequila shot, it’s getting poured down your pants.

Do Stand-Up Comedy
Sure I’m funny, but I’m not that funny. 

Open a Restaurant
I’ve seen Kitchen Nightmares.  I ain’t no fool.

Visit a Nude Beach
Wrinkly balls, wrinkly balls everywhere.

Go to Prison
Maybe if I had Crazy Eyes to be my prison wife, it wouldn’t be so bad.

Drink the Leftover Milk When my Cereal is Gone
Just thinking about it is making me dry heave.

Eat Salad without Dressing
Why would I do this.  Grow up.

Eat a Gas Station Hot Dog
I don’t even like non gas station hot dogs.

Go On a Blind Date
It’s not even so much because I’m afraid I’ll be set up with a weirdo.  It’s because I’m afraid the other person is going to be pissed off that they were set up with a weirdo.
Read the Twilight Series
Ugh, get away from me.

Pay to See a Mel Gibson Movie
You, sir, are a tool.

Own a Selfie Stick
If there’s an invention out there that’s dumber than this, I don’t even want to know what it is.

Eat a Raw Mushroom
Just can’t do it, brah.

Own a Rodent
No guinea pigs, no hamsters, no mice.  They’re all just ugly.

Lose a Limb
How am I supposed to eat a Big Mac with one hand?

Get a Brazilian Wax
I’m not one to punish myself.

Wear Crocs
Because, no.

Wear a Unitard
I feel like this one doesn’t need to be explained.

Go Vegan
Sarah needs meat.

Be a Bartender
I can’t handle drunk people when I’m sober.  Actually, I can’t handle sober people when I’m sober either.

Milk a Cow
Please, no.

Get outta here.

Eat Octopus
In Korea, people eat live octopus.  Sometimes I can’t eat yogurt because it’s too slimy for me.  Get real.

Become a Smoker
It is the most unattractive habit.

Shop at Pier 1
I have better things to waste my money on.

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