Thursday, 15 January 2015

this sh*t is bananas

As human beings, complaining is part of our nature.  No matter how much I’d like to believe it, the world isn’t all candy and rainbows and puppies.  Consequently, a portion of every day for most people involves feeling irritable, cranky, and/or pissed off.  Most of us normal people tend to make a conscious effort to stay away from things we know will trigger these feelings.  However, if you’re somebody who enjoys high blood pressure, anxiety, and insomnia brought on by anger, here are a few ways to help you get there. 

Go grocery shopping the day before a holiday
For some odd reason, people go ape shit when the grocery store is going to be closed for a day.  I guess the countless boxes of cereal, pasta, rice, chicken, hamburgers, crackers, and cookies that are already in your house just won’t cut it for the next 24 hours.  The most logical option is to get your ass to the grocery store so that you can stand in a lineup for 35 minutes waiting to pay for your frozen pizzas which will, no doubt, get tucked away in your deepfreeze until the next time there’s a holiday, only to be ignored while you rush out yet again to buy food you just can’t go another 24 hours without.

Respond to a cryptic Facebook status
For people who are certifiably insane, there’s nothing more enticing then a status update that reads something along the lines of, “don’t understand how this could happen to me… worst day of my life.”  How could you not ask what’s wrong?!  What a perfect way to start the day!

Go to Tim Hortons on a weekday morning
It’s not a secret that Tim Hortons is going to be “on wheels”, as they say, on a Monday morning as people are trying to get their caffeine fix before they spend the next eight hours in front of a computer.  Naturally, these people will most likely be ill-tempered and cranky, and the staff will probably be ready to punch somebody in the face.  If this sounds like the morning for you, come on down!

Wash your hands with your sweater on
Interested in being uncomfortable and irritated for an hour or so?  Just don’t roll your sleeves up the next time you wash your hands.  This will give you a nice little ring of dampness around the base of your sleeve that will eventually get really cold and brush up against your wrist every so often and will just feel so wrong.

Befriend a vegan
These days it seems like becoming vegan is the trendy thing to do.  You’re only cool if you post your lunch on Instagram and use up all your characters on hashtags like: #healthyliving #veganlife #eatclean #meatismurder #onethousandcaloriesaday #veganism #ilovevegetables #donteatmeat #veganveganvegan.  You want to learn about all the stuff you shouldn’t be eating?  Befriend a vegan.  You want to hear about the proper way to cook vegetables?  Befriend a vegan.  You want to hear about why you’re the wrong kind of human because you consume milk and eggs?  Befriend a vegan.  You want to be driven to the point of homicide?  Befriend a vegan.

Watch Big Bang Theory
Self-explanatory.  It’s just the worst show.

No comments:

Post a Comment