Saturday, 13 December 2014

ho ho no

Christmas is a magical time.  There are lots of treats to enjoy and good times to be had.  Like everything else, there are those people that end up ruining it for the rest of us by practicing the worst and dumbest Christmas traditions ever.

There are five Christmas traditions that need to go back to the depths of Hell from which they came.
1. Mistletoe
In theory, mistletoe seems like a romantic holiday tradition.  You've been chasing that guy all year and you accidentally bump into him underneath the mistletoe at your friend's holiday party, your eyes lock and the rest is history.  Real life, however, is not so serendipitous.  Chances are, if you end up meeting somebody under the mistletoe, it's going to be the last person in the world you want to mack on.  The only people who play by mistletoe rules are drunk coworkers and weird uncles.

2. Black Friday
Perhaps the worst holiday tradition.  People wake up at 5am to stand in line for two hours in order to buy something that you never needed in the first place at a price that is still ridiculous despite the "markdown".  Most of the low prices that are available on Black Friday last long after Black Friday is over.  Here's a little tip for you: a sale that convinces you to buy something that you wouldn't have purchased otherwise is not actually a good deal.

3. Fruitcake
Who invented this dark, heavy brick of dried berries?  Someone actually sat down one say and said, "I have some dark rum, molasses, currants, and all these dried cranberries.  I think I'll make a cake."  Eating fruitcake is the equivalent of eating an oatmeal raisin cookie when you think it's a chocolate chip cookie.  Cake is supposed to be sweet, and delicious, and invoke childlike joy when consumed.  Fruitcake just invokes anger and dry heaving.

4. Christmas Photo Card
The thing about Christmas cards is you get to throw them away when the season is over.  When somebody gives you a Christmas card with photo of their family on the front, throwing it away doesn't  The worst kinds of Christmas photo cards are the ones with a couple and all of their pets.  "Merry Christmas from John, Sally, and Rover!"  No.  Your dog is not wishing anyone a Merry Christmas.  Your dog does not know what Christmas is.  Your dog does not understand why you dressed him in a red vest and pointed a silver rectangle at him.

5. Rope Lights
Ugly, ugly, ugly.  I don't know what genius came up with rope lights as a Christmas decoration, but I definitely hope they've since been fired.  You can't hang them from anything like normal Christmas lights, if one of the bulbs goes out you have no way of replacing it, and they come in colors like blue and yellow (what the hell is that?!).  The only use I can think of for rope lights is to use them to tie up the guy who invented them, and then beat him to a pulp.

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