Sunday, 14 December 2014

that's a wrap

Christmas seems to lose its luster as you get older where presents are concerned.  As a kid it's near impossible to sleep on Christmas Eve due to the excitement of Santa and the presents waiting for you under the tree when you wake up on Christmas morning.  Still, there are those gifts that you just want to set fire to and watch as they burn down the house.

These are the worst kinds of Christmas gifts you could possibly give a child.

Clothes are not fun.  I'm pretty sure if it were up to most kids, they wouldn't even wear clothes.  Clothes are the type of present you get from your Godmother because your parents told her "he needs new pants".  There's nothing more disappointing than grabbing a gift from under the tree with your name marked on it and then discovering that it's one of those two-piece gift boxes.  You know before you even open it that it's a shitty sweater or worse, an underwear set.  Unless there's a puppy wrapped up in that sweater, your kid don't want it.
 School Supplies 
Thanks, mom.  I love my new pencil case and travel-sized three-hole punch.  I'm super grateful that you've managed to get me to think about school right now while I'm enjoying my Christmas holidays away from that hellhole.  I can't wait to get back there and try out my pocket calculator and mini stapler.  Much appreciated.

What a copout this is.  You're just after opening a kickass, battery-operated Optimus Prime action figure and upon reading the package you discover that batteries are not included.  Not a big deal, there are more presents to be opened!  You reach under the tree and grab another package addressed to you and you tear off the paper uncovering a package of batteries.  Okay, cool, I can use these for my Optimus Prime.  Wait... these were wrapped up.  Does that mean that these are supposed to count as an actual present?  You mean, in place of a battery-operated Megatron that I could've used in some mad re-enactment battle scenes against Optimus Prime, I got a four-pack of AA batteries?  What a crock.

Gifts That Are Actually For The Parents 
I don't remember including a hamper in my letter to Santa.  Nor did I ask for a hand vacuum.  I think my parents are trying to tell me something...

For some reason there are parents out there who are obsessed with using fruit as a stocking stuffer.  I don't know if it's to try and force their kids to be healthy or if it's a cheap way to take up room in the stocking or maybe it's a bit of both. It's pretty disappointing to reach into your stocking and feel the hard, traitorous peel of an orange.  Maybe you convince yourself that it's just a bouncy ball, but then you pull it out and that cruel orange bastard is staring you right in the face.  Thanks for the Vitamin C, parents.  It's just what I wanted.

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