Monday, 22 December 2014

rated h for horrible

Nothing gets you in the Christmas spirit like cozying up in front of the TV and enjoying a holiday movie.  Among my favourites are The Holiday, Love Actually, and Eight Crazy Nights.  One would think that with the overabundance of Christmas movies that exist today, there would be enough for everyone to find a favourite.  But organizations like Universal Studios and 20th Century Fox beg to differ, which I guess is why they keep cranking out turds seasons after seasons.

These are the five worst holiday movies ever made. 

Jingle All the Way (1996) 
A salesman for a mattress company is constantly busy at his job and after missing his son's karate exposition, he tries hard to come up with a way to make it up for him.  To placate his unhappy son he asks him is there is anything he wants for Christmas.  His son wants Turbo Man but unfortunately for the salesman, it is Christmas Eve and every store is sold out of Turbo Man figures.  Now he must embark on a comical quest to find one.

I really tried to like this movie.  It's got Arnold Schwarzenegger!  Usually, the novelty of Arnold in a comedy goes a long way; Kindergarten Cop is one of my favourite movies.  Unfortunately, this movie misses the mark.  The painfully unfunny slapstick combined with painful evidence that Arnold can't act makes this one of the worst holiday movies of all time.

I'll Be Home for Christmas (1998) 
A college student experiences difficulty in getting home for Christmas after being hazed by his friends.  While struggling to get home in time for Christmas, he learns quite a bit about himself and the true meaning of the holiday.

This movie stars Jonathan Taylor Thomas -- if that doesn't send up a red flag, nothing will.  He spends the majority of the movie in a red Santa suit after being left in the desert (oh, college!) while playing telephone tag with Jessica Biel (who undoubtedly hates having this movie on her resume).

Surviving Christmas (2004) 
Ben Affleck plays an executive leading an empty, shallow life with only wealth on his side.  Facing another lonely Christmas ahead, he wants to revisit his old childhood home and possibly relive some old holiday memories.  But when he arrives, he finds that the house in which he was raised is no longer the home in which he grew up.  In habited by another family, he offers a nice financial reward that has the family ringing.  But is this generous cash offer only the beginning of an annoying visitor who's a little too overeager to celebrate Christmas?

More cinematographic despair from Ben Affleck who plays a character with little to no social skills.  Not even the late, great James Gandolfini can save this shitshow of a movie.  An unnecessarily complicated and foolish plot has Catherine O'Hara and Christina Applegate hoping that Santa will destroy all copies of this terrible comedy.

Christmas with the Kranks (2004) 
Tim Allen's character is fed up with the commerciality of Christmas; he decides to skip the holiday and go on a vacation with his wife instead.  But when his daughter decides last minute to come home, he must put together a holiday celebration.

This mess is hard to ignore.  Strangely enough, this movie is based on a John Grisham novel, proving that even a bestselling author can inspire crap.

Deck the Halls (2006) 
This holiday comedy is centered around two neighbours in a small New England town who go to war when one of them decides to decorate his house with so many Christmas lights that they are visible from space.  The neighbourhood is turned upside down as the families try to discover the true meaning of Christmas.

A particularly rancid piece of work, this disasterpiece doesn't contain anything resembling real human behavior.  They take their audience for a bunch of fools thinking we'd believe someone like Kristin Chenoweth would marry someone like Danny DeVito, and our beloved Ferris Bueller plays an uptight neighbour who is cynical and crochety.  It's a downright stupid portrait of American suburbia during the holidays.

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